Este
by Kaiser no yume
Summary: The inner thoughts of the Oracle. Cold-hearted. Ruthless. There is no such thing as a one-dimensional man. ( Crawford-centered songfic.)


Disclaimer: Weiss Kruez and its characters don't belong to me. The lyrics of the song are from Crawford's image song, Este.

_/I may ask for nothing just now_

_But soon I'll be sick with memories_

_Thoughts of them, their cries as I left forever_

_All I'd like is one last chance to say goodbye, but/_

It was for their own good. To protect them, I had to leave them. Mother was crying that day, screaming at the two armed men in suits who held her back. " Where are you taking my son?" she screamed. It was the first time I had seen some emotion coming from the normally stoic woman. They told her that I was going to a place where my powers could be put to good use. That I would come back a changed man.

Changed. Yeah right.

By the time I was in the car, she was dead. One of the men had shot her in the head. I never cried then, but sometimes...

I would have liked a chance to say goodbye.

_/Stinging tears are wasted time and_

_My own needs are cast aside_

_EstE/_

I have no time to cry. Crying only waste time. As a person who can see the future, I understand how foolish it is to waste time.

Brad no longer exist. There is only Crawford. The oracle.

My own needs are nonexistant. I live for Este.

_/I'm trained to be ruthless, and yet_

_These tears of mine won't stop flowing_

_Though I try, the stains of my sins won't leave me_

_Defiled, though still clean, their screams will linger, always/_

In the privacy of my own cell, I weep.

The bloodstained suit I wear can always be replaced. If only I could do the same to my soul.

I am the Oracle. The leader. The unfeeling one.

If I tell myself this maybe someday I will really believe it.

I can still hear the screams. The look on the face of the young man I killed. A young man who only wanted to survive in this world. He had been unfortunate to see something he should not have seen.

Scrubbing my hands raw, I still see the bloodstains on my hand. The urge to cut my hands until the stained flesh is gone is an entertained thought. Is this how Berserker feels as he slices his skin? Cursing God for this pitiful existence.

I am supposed to be the unfeeling. I was trained to be ruthless. Why am I burdened with these feelings?

Just when will I realize that no matter how we lie to ourselves, no human can ever become a machine?

_/Trembling, I turn away but_

_I can never see redemption_

_EstE/_

I turn away from the mirror, hating my reflection. A sinner. A ruthless killer. Killer I am. Ruthless I wish I was.

I would pray at night but I know there is no God to recieve my prayers. I have been forsaken, since the day I did not shed tears at my mother's death. There is no redemption for me. No god I can pray to that will spare a moments mercy on me.

I understand why Beserker holds his rage against God.

Merciful and caring. Loving of all his children. Where is his love for us? Where is that divine mercy that by right should be ours? Why are we the forsaken ones?

_/Stinging tears are wasted time and_

_My own needs are cast aside_

_EstE/_

Smile and pretend that the pain is not eating me away inside. Am I the only one who feels this way? Suffering in silence. Hating my existence and fearing ending it at the same time. I want freedom. I want to be Brad again. The young man who's thoughts were his own, and not that of three ancients who believe in an empty dream.

My own needs have been cast aside. My stinging tears are wasted time. Like a weight sinking to the bottom of the sea...

I was trained to be ruthless. I will show them just how ruthless I can be.

I can never see redemption. So I will no longer seek it.

The stains of sin won't leave me. I will embrace them. I will tarnish my soul until I can no longer see how defiled I am.

This time I will have one last chance to say goodbye.

Author's Note: Not sure if this can be considered OoC or not. Though going by the lyrics of the image song, it would suggest that Crawford is something other than a non-feeling machine. Which, when combined with his voice actor's voice, makes me see him in a new light.


End file.
